Once thought of as only a symptom of chronic, prolific mental illness, delusional paranoia has existed as a dirty little secret for far too long. Fortunately that's changing. The 9/11 folks, The Birthers, and now The Corpsers, all deserve credit for this positive change in societal norms. As a long time sufferer myself, I'm stepping boldly into the dawn of this new judgement free age, shedding the shackles of shame, and publicly decrying three plots you and you loved ones should be very, very worried about.
1. The Sleep Epidemic
As few as ten years ago The American Medical Association recommended 6 hours minimum nightly sleep for adults. Now that number has increased to between 8 and 10 hours. Meanwhile researchers have failed to provide any conclusive evidence that human beings slept at all prior to the year 1867. Pharmaceutical companies, alarm clock makers and mattress manufacturers are literally stealing our lives. Be aware.
2. The Myth of Grandparents
Sure they say they're related to us, but can they prove it?
3. Old Barns
We've all driven down country roads and seen these insidious structures lurking behind the facades of otherwise placid rural homesteads. What's going on inside them? What's being stored? What's being manufactured? It's not all rusty tractor parts and cobwebby furniture I assure you. And sure, whiskey stills, meth labs, marijuana gardens, pipe bomb workshops and serial killer s/m dungeons are part of the story, but they compose only a small portion of the entire picture. What else are those clever salt of the earth up to in their clapboard laboratories of mayhem? Society can not abide the innate safety hazards associated with a flying lawn mower or a 1979 American sedan powered by four Harley engines and a pot belly stove. More worrisome still is what the government may be storing in these so called "barns". A large number of farm owners receive money in government crop subsidies. Are we really supposed to believe the government isn't asking for something in return? "Store this UFO wreckage Farmer Brown." "Why sure, I'd be glad to young fella'." It's for these reasons that I'm calling for the creation of a government funded, third party monitored website called www.barnwatch.gov (not a real link) where concerned citizens can have twenty four hour, seven day a week video access to every private barn, shed and out building in the united states. The mystery has been allowed to fester for too long.
We must remain ever vigilant America. The Truth is the inalienable God given right of the people.
Nothing proves more the fact we are descended from apes than following these "Birthers" and "Corpsers". An entire colony of humans with group-OCD! Facts, reasoning even direct confrontation cannot help these poor unfortunates. We can only try to improve civilization by copulating often and increase our numbers!
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