So it's spring and ohhhh my how 'bout those (insert gender to which you are most attracted here). For me it's women. I'm happy about that. I like my male friends too much to want to complicate things. Women in May. Grrrrrrrrr. But it's more than just the normal lust laden Spring fever I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's because the past winter was so unending and merciless but the arrival of this long awaited nice weather has caused my glands to churn up some kind of testosterone hybrid, a T Plus, a super charged cave man quality, macho spike in my blood that has me feeling beastly. Yesterday there were bag pipers playing near my house for some reason. I don't know if there was a parade I wasn't aware of or what, but regardless of why they were being played, their effect on me was palpable. The sound awakened a dormant Highlander war instinct in the Scottish portion of my DNA. All I wanted to do was don a kilt and go battle a neighboring tribe. The ice cream man drove by ringing his happy bell. My instincts roared at me to run outside and attack him, forcing the hapless SOB to watch me pack one ice cream sandwich after the next into my voracious, sneering mouth. I did some push ups and went for a short, wheezing, fat guy jog instead, but the physical activity did nothing to scratch the itch. And I know I'm not the only one walking around with an itch that needs to be scratched.
There's an abundance of restless, unused energy in the populous these days. Not just Spring time energy, but a vestigial kind too, energy left over from the thousands of years we needed it to plow fields and somehow turn wool we sheered an hour earlier into a pair of pants. It's always there, but in times of global chaos like we're in now, people are much more keenly aware of it. I don't know what can be done, but I do know, when left unfocused, that it's this energy which leads to trouble. In tough times it's the fuel that causes torches to be lit and guillotines to be sharpened. I've mulled over some solutions to help my pals in the richest one percent avoid that kind of trouble. Not surprisingly each one is more absurd than the next.
Everyone loves the Chip N Dale rejects beheading each other on Spartacus, but a real life return to The Arena poses too many problems in this modern age, so that's out. Cordon off America into a landscape of independent city states and manipulate them to war with each other? I think there's potential in that one, but you'd have to think it would take a lot of leg work to get up and running. My best thought owes much to the throngs of people hoping for a real life 'zombie day' but involves unleashing a bio-engineered species of giant man eating monsters on the country instead. I'm sure the technology exists, and really the idea is not without its checks in the PRO column. Five dollar a gallon gas doesn't seem so bad when you're buying it to flee from something trying to devour your family. Neighbors who go out of their way not to talk to each other would become fast friends if doing so meant defending their neighborhoods from an encroaching colossus. No time to sit and fume, zoning out in front of Pawn Star reruns while contemplating how much you hate your job and your house and your life, when there is something at that moment headed your way to make dinner out of you. Unleashing giant man eating monsters could rejuvenate the fleeting sense of community in America, uniting people in their slaying of them, bringing citizens together as they dine on cuts of the beasts' barbecued flesh afterwards. It would give people a new sense of purpose... and might even save some poor, unsuspecting ice cream men from grievous bodily harm and otherwise happy go lucky bloggers from extended prison terms as well.
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