Richard Dawson playing the role of Damon Killian, the sociopathic host and executive producer of the futuristic game show The Running Man, delivered that line in the movie by the same name in 1987. In the film, Dawson's character, and the show he ran, were supposed to be villains, exaggerated monsters presiding over an omnipotent entertainment industry catering to the worst, base desires of the blood starved masses.
But as a ten year old kid at the time, I didn't see what the problem was. I loved Family Feud. I loved Richard Dawson. Damon Killian wasn't such a bad guy either. And the idea of a TV show where violent felons compete in a protracted obstacle course of mortal combat and catastrophic mayhem seemed like a great idea. It still does.
For almost twenty five years now I've waited for this nightmare vision of television's future to come to life. But no. TV is still boring. Maybe not as boring as it was in 1987, but certainly not as exciting as it should be. When American Gladiators came on a couple of years after Running Man I got excited...needlessly. The show was nothing but meat heads in spandex throwing Nerf balls at retired gym teachers. Survivor's debut tantalized me similarly. But that was an even bigger let down, turning out to be little more than the highlight reel of a two week deprivation experiment. I'm not saying ten days without cheeseburgers and loved ones is easy, however it's a little less challenging (and entertaining) then fending off a four hundred pound lunatic with a chainsaw.
To illustrate my point further, the biggest news out of Hollywood this past week was that Ashton Kutcher blah blah blah Sheen blah blah blah Men blah blah blah. Yawning. DAG NABBIT WHERE'S THE FLIPPING ENTHUSIASM? This is SHOW business. Entertain me. Every person I know has a great idea for a TV show. Here's one of mine.
When Gaddafi is captured in a couple of months, instead of detaining him until a kangaroo court (comprised of lesser men who were too weak to overthrow him without America's help) sends him to the gallows, he should be sent to a secret location in Burbank instead. Every week the deposed dictator will then preside over the fates of four contestants represented by celebrity spokespeople from Mike Tyson, to Gloria Estefan, to Oscar The Grouch and Joe The Plumber.
Each spokesperson will have to try to convince the third world strong man of the validity of their randomly selected subject. Mike Tyson speaking on behalf of contestant Bob Jones from Ceder Rapids, would have to attempt to convince Gaddafi of the value of vouchers for charter schools, while Oscar The Grouch repping contestant Sarah Bronkowski from Portland, Oregon would try to persuade him about the benefits of solar energy, and so on. The three losing contestants will be taken out and shot (not really, but Gaddafi won't know that) and the weekly winner gets a hundred thousand dollars.
Now that's entertainment. Come on TV executives. For god sakes, step it up. In the immortal words of Jessica Savitch (Youtube her) "This is Primetime Television here folks."
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